Stube's blog

Coming Back Home.

This isn't the goodbye kinda night

It's far too cold for highway walking

I pick up the receiver

But I hear no one talking.

I slam it back down wondering why

My fingers tap out the tears as I begin to cry

You're never coming back home

I never wanted to be this alone.

If you could go back three months from today

Would you believe that you were in love with me or would you say

That it never happened, like some sick mirage

Am I the bullet you were strong enough to dodge?

It's me, my car, and the old radio

Some cheesy love song

I hate them for rubbing it in

I'd say I hate you, but that's wrong.

I always do 10 over the speed limit

The cops can come, but I wouldn't give a shit

When they stop me, I know just what I'll say as they frown

I'll tell them I'm just a dirty princess escaping from this dead-beat town.

Yesterday doesn't remember me

Today is not my friend

Tomorrow holds no certainty

But certainly, I'll love you 'til the very end.

I just wanted you to know I'm falling apart

I just want you to see me cry

So now I'm running off the icy blacktop road

And I just want you to tell me why.

I fall.

I stopped caring and I turn my back around on this world

But the look in my eye is insatiable, unmistakable

It's fire and ice, it's all angry and never nice

I fall into you.

All I do is wait by the phone

This feeling, I could never explain

I lay with your blanket and listen to sounds of Tehran

Wondering, how long until you come back home.

"Chetor astee?"

"Delam barat tang shodeh..."

Come back home

The receiver fizzles over without a single word from you.

I can't pretend it doesn't kill me

I cry myself into different dreams

I'm all angry now and never nice

I fall into you.

This Is What Love Feels Like.

There was a time when I'd tell you you were wrong. 

But yes; I am an addict. 

And yes; I am childish.

I am unforgiving.

I am selfish.

I am reckless and falling free down into my own dismay at 60 MPH.

And you can't stop me.

I am fearless.

And chances are the only things I take.

I make no sense, to someone standing on the outside looking in.

I am black and white.

I am no believer. 

I am no Jesus.

I sing out of tune.

I dance like a white person.

I don't like a lot of people and I assume they don't like me.

I'm flawed. God made me this way? Maybe. Or maybe just my parents did. Simple.

I don't pretend to know.

But all that I am knows that all I need is you.

And I also know that you will never receive these love letters from 5 AM.

But would it really make a difference anyway?

It seems the only person whose life these words are changing is my own.

Would you stop if you heard me speak these words?

Would it change your world?

Would it make you look at me with love in your eyes for the obsession I have hidden for so long?

I act crazy because I feel.

I miss you.

"It's simple and you know it is." - Snow Patrol

All around the world, people are lying down with their hearts aside them.

Open and bleeding out the dirt the ones they love have put them through.

All around the world, men are feeling the heartbeats of their women through their shirts.

It must be lovely to know you're holding the world in your arms.

It must be so simple.

It must be beautiful.

It must bring you God.

But I lie here at 5 AM and it is nothing but thirst.

But drama inside my mind.

But false statements and excuses and sadness.

"You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done." - Snow Patrol

I remember when you walked away, and although it was for a good cause, it broke my heart.

I will never forget the way the bus station bathroom rang empty and angry as I cried, alone.

I painted the walls there with brokenhearts and butterfly teardrops; because you were gone.

Not once did you look back. Not once did you give me a last hope in goodbyes.

You could have been that moment for me. That movie moment.

I will never feel that goodbye again.

And in the cab on the way home, I was one heart.

Yearning for my second half.

That may never.

Come home.

But still, you take my breath away.

"You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things I wished I had not said

Are played in loops 'til it's madness in my head." - Snow Patrol

And by the way, I cherish Troy, NY. 

Because it was there, that my love for you became a fairytale.

And I thank you for giving me my crown and letting me be your princess for awhile.

When things get bad, all I see is you.

"Tell me that you'll open your eyes." - Snow Patrol

I Haven't Changed The Locks.

I am incomplete without you here.

And I don't understand what I've got to do to make you come back here.

To give you back what I took.

And if you don't give me another chance, I will fall to pieces.

These are the hands that fit yours.

These are the bruises I've inflicted on myself.

This is how I pass my time.

This is how I find my way.

But I fear my time will never come.

And I know you're sad, man.

And I hate repeating myself for no goddamn reason.

Just come back home.

I haven't changed the locks.

For Jessica.

I think you made a big mistake

Leaving the only man left to love you

And don't you know, I've been there

I've felt that emptiness inside

And don't you know, I've been so alone

I've sat up in bed on holidays and cried

I think you made a big mistake

Telling him it was all his fault

I've been the one who owned the blame

Stars frolicked over my head

Driving down the highway

Yeah, I've played that same late-night head game

I think you're gonna regret this

You didn't even stay for the kids' sake

You couldn't even let them say goodbye

You didn't even have the decency to stand there and smile fake

I know you're gonna wake up one day

And realize you've misplaced the young smile on your childish face

I think you're mistaken now

And you just threw 11 years away

Now, I stand here alone on a dim-lit side street

In a snowy dead-end town, southbound

With your thimble in my fist

Because I don't want to end up like you

I'm afraid I'm mistaken now

When you think you really know somebody

When you've spent so many years trying to figure them out

But you never tried to figure me out

No one ever tries to figure me out

Yeah, I'm just that kinda mystery girl

A dusty mystery novel no one wants to pick up and read

But I'm bleeding out of my seams for you

How does it feel to throw away 11 years of a life you never led

You must be strong

Because I find myself constantly frowning over a piece of paper 

As I toss it into the waste bin

Because I don't believe anything is "waste"

But I guess sometimes, it just has to be that way

Why did it have to be that way?

Get It In.

Sometimes, I like myself. But other times, I can't believe who I've become. 

I love myself. But I don't think that love is actually coming from inside myself. I think it's God's love for me shining through.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

But not so I can sleep at night... because I don't sleep at night anymore. I sleep the day away. I do my work at night.

For now...

Why are we at war?

That's a relatively easy question to answer.

I believe it's because on a smaller scale, within the hearts of us all, we are at war.

Each of us like a soldier. And we don't sleep. We don't eat. We just sit wide-eyed at the bunker, waiting for the next bomb to drop.

Why do I love everyone so much? With so much passion?

Someone of a later generation may say that I should hold that passion for the one I want to spend my life with. But I believe they've just become "comfortably numb," like the Pink Floyd song. And before you know it...

"The child is grown.

The dream is gone."

I think this world is a bit too tattered and a bit too devoid of love as it is. Why not love as much as we can?

You say to avoid pain, suffering, and do not fall into the hole love can cause. But I say why? Look around you. 

Pain and suffering is everywhere.

I'd rather cause it myself than let someone else do it.

Do you believe in God?

How you gonna praise Him at the end of the day when you get your chips and you achieve your goal, but when you crash and burn, you don't look at Him like "What?! C'mon."

Just thinkin' on it.

15.

1. I remember your body language as you walked away from me to board the bus.

2. I know you were crying on way to the city.

3. I was not made to be alone.

4. I close my eyes, and I am in Iran.

5. There's got to be a way out.

6. My life is like a poem.

7. I wanted to take oxycodone today. That's the addict in me.

8. Thanks Dad.

9. I have a lot of learning to do.

10. All I want to do is drive forever. And never turn the car around.

11. I'm not a princess, and this isn't a fairytale.

12.He says the one thing he can't take is me crying.

13. The only time you'll catch me listening to country songs is when I'm sad and thinking deeply.

14. I can't give up on my dream.

15. Get backk to da money.

Walk In On Me.

The days, I smile

At night I cry

Do you still have

That look I haven't seen in awhile?

Spend my days asleep

Because I can't be bothered

And my nights, I weep

For a great love I believe I'm losing

If you walked in, you'd walk in on a heep.

Of broken goodbyes and black butterflies

On my bedroom floor

Is where I spend most of my time

After I lock the door

I look at tattered pictures of us

From months ago

Before you left

Why did you go?

Oh, why did you have to go?

The Stars That Light Our Way.

FINALLY, talked to you. And my skies went straight from grey, to blue. It's you. It always has been you. And if God will allow me, I'd love to spend my days and nights with you under the stars he has so graciously put above us. 

To give us something to look at. To give us something to wonder for. And when I am gone, remember that I loved you with the sincerity and the beauty of a million golden shimmering stars...

The stars, they shine for you. I swear, God put them there to give you something beautiful to look at. To show us all that inside every dark night, there will be light. There will be dreaming. There will be something so honest above us all. 

Better days to dream of, to believe in something good. For once, we will not be left in the dark, reaching out for one another. We will survive this. And we will not be alone. Because in every shadowy corner, there will be a hint of light for you to grab a hold of. At the end of every night, there will come a dawn. A time of recovery, rejoicement, and relentless beauty.

As you lay your head upon your pillow tonight, Kaveh, may you know that the love I have for you inside my heart is true. Although broken, my heart, it beats for you. And please understand that I will not go alone into the night. It is your hand that I choose to hold as we walk the lonely highway that stretches for thousands of miles, until we reach the place of goodness, free from stress and sadness. And yes, I do believe that there is such a place. A place that, through the exhaustion and tears from walking those thousands of miles, we will look up as we near the final star that lights our path. 

And we will call it home.

Shit Rap

You told your story, let me get mine.

I am so 518!

Yeah, I'm the puddle of gas under your rusty Ford

I'm the nick in your perfectly perfect headboard

I'm the greatest mistake of your whole fucking life

I'm the wound in your back from your own brother's knife.

I am so Upstate

18 and counting

Y'all try to knock me down

But I'm steady climbin'.

I ain't no Jon Young

Ain't no Miss Minaj

But I'm Mizz 518

And my story's as good as yours.

Now, this my life

And I know nobody hearin' me

Because the second I get done

Y'all niggas fuck with me.

I haven't gotten far

Understand it's been a struggle

But I still have my pride

And this shit's damn hard to juggle.

Bring ya back to Lake Street

Of 99

Yeah, that was before I knew pain

Those were some good times.

Back when there was still a God

I thought shit'd get better

Now I'm just an angry bitch

Lookin' out the window at bad weather.

Storm just blew through

Or was that just the beginning

Take ya to 07, in the Game

And guess who was winning?

Straightened up

Went to college in the city

Got raped, a brokenheart

Now I'm the queen of pity.

Spend my days sittin' 

Inside a porcelain white room

Don't know how long I'll be down here

But I'm going out with a boom.

(BOOM)