Stube's blog

Losing.

It's 9 AM

And I haven't slept all night

Thought about death, deception

And how invisible I must be, so far outta God's sight.

Sometimes you gotta sit back

Kiss your life goodbye

Because shit doesn't always go how it's supposed to

And you wake up one day knowing your dreams are nothing but lies.

Look at me

I wish I never tried so hard

Maybe then I would've had more fun

Just to still come out scarred.

He asked me "why?"

Why do I fucking write?

Because it's the only goddamn thing

To get me through the stillness of the night.

Because I'm good at it

Because what I write rings true

Because at the end of the day

You know the person I'm writing about is you.

You know, 20 years here will make you 

Wish you were never born

And 20 seconds in my head would make you

Feel like you were in the middle of a storm.

I'm young, but battered

And I've got a lot to say

You see I'm losing ground

But I'll get there one day.

And today's just not my day

Yeah, I'm losing grip

But tonight, when I wake up

It'll have been an amazing trip.

Because the things I dream about

Are so far out of your range

And I'm lookin' at the palms of my hands

Sorry and blood-stained.

I'm gonna stay here, right fucking here

I don't need your damn advice

I'll do fine without your help

Yeah, you can say that twice...

The Way They Watch Us

Baby, do you see the way I look at you?
'Cause they do
And do you see the way they watch us walk hand in hand?
I swear this was never my plan.

And did you know I could be the one?
I could be there to make you smile
It's a love like I pick up the phone
But you call before I even finish the dial.

I hide what I really feel deep inside
But don't get me wrong, I haven't lied
I know you're not ready to take it that deep
So I stand back, and I'm strong so I won't creep.

Age ain't nothing but a number
And race won't hold us back
You treat me right and hold me tight when we sleep
There ain't one thing we lack.

Give me your hand, baby
Just walk with me
Fuck 'em if they stare
You know this world ain't fair.

I'm learning to catch a good thing when I see it
I'm not letting you go unloved, unkissed
What a sad and lonely life this would be
If this love was missed.

*Bay, it's my pleasure.

From The Courtyard.

Why is the sky this shade of eggplant purple
And why can't I see the stars
No one to reach out to hold my hand
No one to see my scars.

No matter where I go
People are all the same
Ruthless and careless
Oblivious, busy playing their game.

Forgetting where I am
And fading into strangers
I no longer walk the streets
Without constantly avoiding all the dangers.

Maybe I miss the mountains
The way they called my name
Maybe I am tired of being the minority
Of hanging my woozy head in shame.

It's kind of hard to explain where I am
But I sleep alone in a box
Maybe I'm just a lonely addict
And this reality is my detox.

No matter where I go
People are all the same, the same
Ruthless and careless
Obvlivious, busy playing their game.

10 For A Friday.

1. I hate the Beatles.

2. Music is the essence of life.

3. I'm dating a guy 12 years older than me.

4. I swore I wouldn't fuck up like that, but I do it every single time.

5. "Do what makes you happy." - My best friend.

6. Nymphomaniac.

7. I shut down the whole set.

8. I feel like I am putting myself in danger, but it's like a trainwreck. I can't stop it.

9. The planes are constantly watching us.

10. What does happiness feel like?

College = Worst Choice Of My Life?

"You can stand 'em then you drop 'em." - Weezy

Well, I could take that advice, but I'm sure I'd end up in jail for the night. With two black eyes and a broken nose.

So you picture your life and you don't see some things coming down the tracks, I totally get that. But when you do everything by the book and check all of your lists, you expect certain things to go right for you.

I got on campus last week and this is the reality of the situation.

1. Everyone is from fucking Long Island.

2. I hate my suitemates.

3. I haven't done any of my homework.

4. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to pull through first semester.

5. I don't miss home, but I don't like it here.

Could it have something to do with the girls gossiping about me right outside my doorway? Or maybe that 2 kids were shot outside of campus last week? Or the bit of discrimination I'm facing because I am not Korean or Black? I can't sit with them at dinner either. FUCK BEING WHITE!

AND FAT.

Okay, now that that is out of my system. It just feels like something is missing. I know that's friends. People who care. People who aren't selfish and snobby.

"They don't want us to see, what we already know." 

More.

I hate the way you took me down in 3 hours.

I hate the way you whispered for me to go down.

I hate the way you make me feel now that you're gone.

 

I hate how I blushed, the way I moaned, the way you left me open.

I hate how stupid I was.

I hate that I know you're going to throw it away.

 

But this is college, and this is now.

And I love the way you stared at me while I came.

And I love the way I slid my hand down over yours, begging for more.

 

Do you think this is how it's supposed to be?

I think this is a mistake in the making

But baby, I want more.

Someone Like Me. (IDr.)

You want me?

No. You're wrong. You want SOMEONE LIKE ME.

 

Someone who would hold the stars up for you while you slumbered in the fields

Someone who would never ever get tired of playing your games

Someone who wasn't loud, verbal, abusive?

Herpes.

I miss the way your hand slid across the hood of the car before you jumped up the steps to your crib

I miss the way you smiled and said, "I love you, baby"

And yes, I thrived off your laughter

Miss the way you laid in bed with me.

But that love story was just a pretty one-way street

And I saw you fucking my neighbor

What a dirty little bitch

What'd you do that for?

It doesn't matter anymore

Thought you'd feel bad, but you won't

I smile your way and spirit-finger wave

Because you have Herpes and I don't. ;)

[MJL] - A Love Letter

I may be an entire country away from your house
But I've spent a year in your sickening embrace
You'll always be my baby
But I can't go on not being able to touch your perfect face.

There comes a time when we must grow up
Because life isn't about the best of both worlds
I can still feel your heartbeat, and it hurts
But it's time for me to fly with the birds.

If you find me here 10 years from now
I hope you'll take what's yours
But as of now I cannot stand alone
And I'm tired of holding up the stars.

They sing for you and they shine for you
And I am everything I am because you loved me
You were once my savior
But now, I clearly see...

I cared so much more than I should have
And I felt a world of pain inside
You didn't surrender to me like I have to you
And when you slept with her, part of me died.

You may be everything to me
But I'll forever be just a chapter in your life
You're the entire book, baby
And that cuts me like a knife.

Would you love me enough to let me walk away?
I know this will be the end of my smile
So I bow my head at midnight on a Friday night
I pray and I cry for awhile.

May the Lord let the love shine in
May the Lord lift me to my feet for today
Without you I am nothing
But I can't live this way.

 

What About Now?

What about now? (X2)

All this time I thought you was my man

Spent too long making our stupid plans

How am I supposed to sit back, look back

On you and be okay with that?

How am I supposed to walk away?

Up and leave, despite the sweet things you say

We were never meant to be, baby

Now I'm sittin' here lonely

 

Like Damnnnn.

 

You remember when you said to me

You won't ever make a promise you're unsure you can keep

Well baby, when you're out

I can't fuckin' sleep?

I thought we were talking babies

New York, one time

Now we don't talk at all, please!

And I'm supposed to be fine?

 

What about now? (X2)